No two people know the same version of you. Everyone gets a different taste. Some may even get a few different flavors at the same time, but that’s only when you get too lazy to water yourself down. We do it like it’s a job. We consciously (or even unconsciously if you’re really good at it) filter ourselves for the person in front of us. Of course, there’s those select few people whom you may trust and hold dearly, and they may get a semi-full version of you, but even then, they don’t really know you. From what they do know, however, they fall into this warm and comfortable attachment of knowing that they had the privilege of getting to know someone the way they know you. They end up making you a priority in their lives. They end up assigning you as the go-to man for when they need something. You’re suddenly in the circle of “friends” for this person. Is that a burden on you? You’re not too sure, but you do know that you’ve grown to distance yourself from people in your life for the mere fact that you’ve lost too many of them- whether it be to sour relationships, coward fucks who leave without saying a word, incompetent shit heads who take advantage of your honorable being, unfortunate events which may have lead to awkward partings, or if you’re like me, you’ve lost many of your loved ones to sleep’s evil cousin. You’ve experienced way too many losses in a number of different forms to care about anyone fully, anymore. You don’t know if you can allow yourself to invest the same amount of time and effort towards this person as they are towards you. You’re aware of your reasoning behind it, as well. Attachment is a royal bitch. You avoid getting attached, and you avoid causing attachment. I mean, what other options do you have, right? You don’t want to hurt others by not showing the same amount of love and care as them, and you also don’t want it to be the other way around. You’ve felt all the pain you can possibly feel. After that, it’s just a game. A game to see how you handle it from time to time. You use your filter over and over again. You hide your true self from every single soul that may walk your way. You start living inside your own mind. Your thoughts are exclusive to your own head. You’re lonely. No one knows because of the facade you put on for them, but you’re lonely, nonetheless. Your filter starts to clog up. You start getting claustrophobic. You’re tired of hiding yourself from people. You’re tired of this watered down version of you. You don’t know it yet, but you’re about to explode. You’re unconsciously scouting out the next person who’s going to get a full dose of your true self. At this point, you are the most vulnerable person in the world. Someone is about to see every single corner of your true personality. You just hope that this person doesn’t fuck you over. You just hope that this person will respect and honor the amazing character that you are. You hope that they stay. They better fucking stay. But let’s be real. It’s inevitable. You’re bound to lose them one way or another. Someone is bound to get hurt in this God forsaken game of keeping up with relationships. One day, you will part your own way, and they will part theirs. One day, something will alter the values and priorities of the both of your lives; leaving the both of you unsure of each other. It may be a pivotal point in your life, or it may not be. It may just fade away slowly without much thought. But one thing is for certain; that day is not today. Someone is about to get a taste of the rawest version of you. The unfiltered version. They might be thugs about it and take you with no chaser, or they might be a lightweight and just puke you back out later. Either way, you gave them your poison. You’ve left your mark.This impression of you will be a lasting one. Enjoy it for what it is/was and move on. Fuck a filter.
- me when fiction has given me an emotion: OH MY gOD nO heLP im dYING why would you dO THAT no fuCK BABBY NO I LOVE yOU BABY YOURE A FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREWOOOOOOOOOOOORK oh gOD this is what going mAD feels LIKE
- me when i am legitimately falling to pieces over real life: no i'm fine